Someday my prince will come: Let's hope he's not one of the lame ones.
John Smith ("Pocahontas")
Sure, he has nice bone structure, but that's about all John Smith can offer. He's part of the group of settlers destined to completely screw over the Native Americans, including his beloved Pocahontas. No matter how much Disney flubs the story, Pocahontas still includes the song "Savages." Plus, John Smith is voiced by Mel Gibson, which — while once a point in his favor — has become a mark of shame.
Image by Disney
The Prince ("Snow White")
Snow White's Prince is so boring, he doesn't even get a name. His best quality is that he's rather pretty, which actually kind of works against him. The Prince might very well be too pretty: You're doing something wrong when your lips are redder than Snow White's. (Hers are red as blood!) In fact, put a Snow White wig on him and they're basically identical.
Image by Disney
Prince Charming ("Cinderella")
Another generic, nameless prince. (Please, "Charming" hardly counts.) The only reason Cinderella's prince ranks higher than Snow White's is his jawline. I also dig his tan — it looks like he just got back from fox hunting, or whatever it is princes do — and his epaulets. Way more stylish than Snow White's prince, with his weird poofy sleeves.
Image by Disney
Prince Phillip ("Sleeping Beauty")
Now we're making some strides toward an actual personality. Prince Phillip is a total cutie, and he's also more proactive than Snow White's or Cinderella's princes — those jerks just sing a lot. Despite the inherently creepy element of Sleeping Beauty (he has to kiss an unconscious princess), Phillip is just charming enough to best the other old-school Disney competition.
Image by Disney
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